All cocktails are best consumed before reading the news. After reading the news, consume them faster.
THE SIGNATURE
Trump’s Reflecting Pool The original. The one that started this.
Equal parts green Chartreuse, gin, vodka, maraschino liqueur, fresh lemon juice, and fresh lime juice. Shake vigorously with ice. Strain into a coupe. The drink is a vivid, troubling green. This is correct. It is supposed to be clear blue. The contractor says the photographs do not provide enough information to determine why it is green. The Department of the Interior has described it as part of the normal startup process.
Serve immediately. Do not add hydrogen peroxide.
THE MAIN MENU
The Reflecting Poll Same as the Reflecting Pool. The name was misspelled on the original menu. This version was deleted and reposted.
Same recipe as above. If someone touches the garnish, arrest them.
The Situation Room Best consumed in secret, in a secure location, by people who are afraid to tell the president it exists.
2 oz aged bourbon, 2 dashes black walnut bitters, ½ oz Campari. Stir with ice until well chilled. Strain into a rocks glass over one large cube. No garnish. No discussion of what is in it. If asked what you are drinking, say it is classified.
Tasting notes: Rich, slightly bitter, best when shared with a vice president who has already said too much.
The Declassified Everything in this drink was top secret until the FBI arrived.
2 oz vodka, ¾ oz elderflower liqueur, ½ oz fresh lemon juice, 2 dashes orange bitters. Shake with ice. Strain into a coupe. Garnish with a lemon twist. The original recipe was stored in a bathroom at a Florida golf resort in a box labeled Boxes. It took eighteen months to recover.
Tasting notes: Bright, floral, and completely unfit to be in the room where it was kept.
The Art of the Deal Two pages. Both sides claiming victory. Neither side releasing the document.
1 oz rye whiskey, 1 oz mezcal. Poured simultaneously into a rocks glass by two bartenders who immediately disagree about what is in it. One bartender calls it a historic triumph. The other bartender calls it a humiliating surrender. The drink exists in the glass. Nobody can see the glass. The ceasefire begins in thirty days, or immediately, depending on who you ask.
Tasting notes: Smoky, contested, somehow costs $300 billion.
The Truth Social Posted at 2am. Poorly spelled. Impossible to take back.
1½ oz cheap well vodka, 3 oz diet cola, served in a glass that is too big and held in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable. No ice, because the president does not like ice. Garnish with a straw he will not use. Consume alone, in the dark, while posting about Dumocrats. The bartender assumes no liability for what is said after the third one.
Tasting notes: Flat, aggressive, best paired with someone who cannot respond.
The Priming the Pump An Old Fashioned. Invented in the 1880s. The president claims to have invented it a couple of days ago.
2 oz rye whiskey, 1 sugar cube, 2 dashes Angostura bitters, 1 orange peel. Muddle sugar and bitters in a rocks glass. Add whiskey. Add large ice cube. Stir. Express the orange peel over the glass. This is a classic cocktail. It has always been a classic cocktail. The president had never heard the phrase before he came up with it.
Tasting notes: Complex, balanced, predates the customer by approximately forty years.
The Coward File Six documented ingredients. All on the record. The customer orders it, receives it, pays for it, and then tells everyone they never ordered it.
¾ oz rye whiskey, ¾ oz sweet vermouth, ¾ oz green Chartreuse, ¾ oz fresh lemon juice, 2 dashes Angostura bitters, garnish with a maraschino cherry. Stir with ice, strain into a coupe. Present the receipt. Watch the customer deny the receipt. File the receipt. Wait.
Tasting notes: Herbal, complex, comes with documentation.
The Pretzel Twisted. Served bent. Whatever shape the room requires.
1½ oz vodka, ½ oz triple sec, ½ oz fresh lime juice, splash of grenadine. Shaken, strained, and served in whatever configuration the customer’s employer currently requires. The drink will be shaped differently depending on who ordered it. Marco Rubio’s version contains a float of “he never sleeps” bitters. Jim Jordan’s version comes in a glass that is permanently at maximum volume. JD Vance’s version has a private label that says something different from the public label. All versions are served with a spine-shaped stirrer that is purely decorative.
Tasting notes: Pliable. Extremely pliable.
The Epstein Files Heavily redacted. Available in three tranches. The most important parts are blacked out.
2 oz gin, ¾ oz St. Germain elderflower, ¾ oz fresh lemon juice, top with tonic water. Served in a highball with a large black paper band obscuring most of the glass. The bartender pre-describes the drink as containing “untrue and sensationalist ingredients submitted right before the 2020 menu revision.” The Situation Room has been convened about this drink. The drink is not being protected. The drink has no relationship with certain notable figures of the 1990s. The bartender’s former defense attorney personally reviewed the recipe.
Tasting notes: Botanical, floral, extensively managed.
The Midas Touch (Inverted) Everything it touches turns to algae.
1 oz gin, 1 oz vodka, ½ oz green Chartreuse, ½ oz fresh lime juice. Shake with ice. Strain into a coupe. The drink is now green. It was supposed to be a different color. Pour hydrogen peroxide into it. The drink is still green. The polymer coating is peeling. Arrest the nearest cyclist.
Tasting notes: Similar to the Reflecting Pool but $14.6 million more expensive and somehow worse.
The MAGA Red. Very red. Available at every rally. Tastes like something that was better before. The customer insists it was better before.
2 oz bourbon, ½ oz grenadine, ½ oz fresh lemon juice, topped with ginger beer. Served in a red solo cup. The bartender says this drink has never been better. The bartender says unemployment is at zero and the markets are at an all-time high. The customer nods. The customer has not checked. The drink costs more than it did four years ago because of eggs.
Tasting notes: Sweet up front, complicated in the finish, best consumed without looking at the receipt.
The Unified Theory of Fuckery One of everything. Served on fire. Nobody is responsible for the fire. Someone has been arrested for touching the fire.
All of the above, combined in a vessel too large for any reasonable person to hold, garnished with a flaming orange peel that nobody authorized, served on a White House lawn to an audience of mixed-martial-arts enthusiasts while the president nods off in the front row. The bartender calls it the greatest drink in the history of beverages. The bartender then posts about it at 2am. The bartender then claims vandals tampered with it. The bartender then arrests a cyclist.
Tasting notes: Green. Contested. On fire. The fire department says the second garden hose is working.
THE NON-ALCOHOLIC OPTION
The Ozone Nanobubble $1.7 million. Does the same thing as the system installed in 2012.
Sparkling water. Served with great fanfare. This is a high-tech solution. We have contracted a second vendor. The pool is still green.
BAR POLICY
The bar does not accept silverware as payment. All silverware will be monitored. Any silverware found in the trash will be investigated.
The bar accepts cash, credit, classified documents, and Nobel medals.
The bar is not responsible for items that go missing. Items that go missing should be assumed to be in Florida.
The bar reserves the right to call your achievements its own.
Drink responsibly. The democracy math suggests your vote counts for less than you think, but you should cast it anyway.
Very amusing. Makes me wish I could drink alcohol. 😆 🤣